"So turn back, the Silence is Deafening."

CKY - "Escape from Hellview"

Mood: Contented.
Listening to: A bit of everything. Random winamp playlist.
Reading: "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson, still.
Watching: Finally got to watch "Stardust" on the TV. Really amusing, would like to read the book.
Playing: Haven't played anything for quite a while now. Nor VGs, nor table-tops.... not even solitary.
Eating:  Not much. On a diet. But had the most delicious meat and potato dish an hour ago.
Drinking: White warm coffee. No sugar.

I wrote this 3 days ago, on February 17, 2010.

It's been raining all day long. I just arrived to the usual joint where mom and I usually enjoy a warm, almost home-made meal, and devote attention.

And at such cheap prices I can afford eating here if not daily, every other day.

There's just Lety, cook, waitress, surrogate mom.

And on the background Gary Jules' "Mad World" is playing. It's picture perfect.

But before that Dido's "No Angel" album was playing.

All of this brought me back. Somewhere ten years ago. Those were both, the happiest and probably the most miserable years on my life (yet).

 

To him. To them. All of them. To those days I had time and energy to think about boys, and where they did ask me out.

I remember the video for "Here with me" and my mind flooded with the image of the short-dark-haired hottie laying on the bed at the end. He reminds me of A. so much.

And in a day just like this, we went out, walking on the street. Looking for a comfortable spot where my boyfriend couldn't (and wouldn't) find us. And we found this place like a door threshold. We sat on the floor, and started to kiss. My then boyfriend was a great kisser, but wasn't exactly a great guy. He despised me because I was a girl.

But A. ... he wasn't quite a great guy either. But something in him made me sigh. And he kissed me so fiercely it made my lips ache.

Those were awesome months. We would run, hide, go to his place, hoping his mom would be gone. And we couldn't keep our hands or lips off each other.

So we were kissin next to that wall when we heard the skies roaring. We got ourselves up, and started to run towards his place. The rain caught us still running, and we ended up all wet.

Still we got there, and it was an excuse for warming each other with our bodies. That was the first time I tasted rain with my kisses.

Rain water on warm, loving, avid lips.

For me that song, "Here with me" was meaningful in that moment about us.

Later on his song would become "My Favorite Game" by The Cardigans.

And my then boyfriend never knew his song was "Hunter", also by Dido.

 

 

Here with me - Dido 

 

Hunter - Dido 

 

My Favourite Game - The Cardigans 

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"Caffeine in my Veins, Coals from your Mouth."

ISIS - "The Minus times"

Mood: Confused, worried.
Listening to: ISIS
Reading: "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson.
Watching: I need to finish the last 30 min of "Case 39"
Playing: Haven't played anything for quite a while now. Nor VGs, nor table-tops.... not even solitary.
Eating:  Not much. On a diet.
Drinking: Orange Blossom Tea.

Whatever happens to us, whatever life we are leading, is the result of changes. And changes are the result of choices. I think I remember reading somewhere that the curse and the bless of Human Beings was our ability to make Choices.

It's been a while since I've kept a blog. The last one... well, that. Let's say that I'm moving on onto a different stage of my troubled life. So I needed somewhere else to rant, since my written journal is kind of for my eyes only. This one gets to be lighter.

So, to sum it up: I'm a 25 year-old, over-weight, librarian. Recently employed by a great man, in a job designated specifically for me, which makes me feel unsure of doing things right.

I was diagnosed on march of 2007 with Multiple Sclerosis, and about two weeks ago, got a new MRI done. I was hoping I'd get the 10% chance of not being sick my neurologist gave me, but the truth is with this new MR, we -family and I- got to know it is MS, it's progressing, and there is not cure yet. I got really scared. Sunny side up? The lessions are smaller, so, as long as I stick to my meds, I'm probably gonna be fine. But this is like playing Russian roulette. I'm scared, 'cause I've been lucky so far, but luck tends to run out. The lessions are in not troublesome brain areas. But, as I said, I truly hope it's not a matter of time.

I'm scared about future. I had lots of plans, but after this couple years I've learnt to stop making plans, and living today. And it's really freaking hard, 'cause I'm not used to it.

I was in a long relationship. About 7 and a half years. We broke up almost two months ago. I think about him a lot. I was sure he was the one. Obviously there was a point where I wasn't so sure anymore.

My mom was specially pleased when we broke up. She totally hates his guts.

Thing is we broke in a "fu*k u-hate u" mood, and we didn't talk to each other, till a couple days ago. We got together for coffee, and... dunno. I'm not a social person. I mainly keep to myself, and whatever friends I have are just a few. And these days we don't get to see each other. It's this age, where most of them are married, or have kids, or are just swamped with their own jobs and lifes, and I can't go on depending on anyone. 

I got even more antisocial with the diagnosis, I cut away a huge chunk of my life, 'cause I was in too deep my own pain. But these days I've been noticing I am way too lonely. I'm confused, 'cause I've lived most of my life believing I don't need anyone, and suddenly it's weekend, and my only choices are to stay in, watching tv, surfing the web, reading a book...or just staring at my parents.

Is there a magical way to go and meet people? And the worse part is I don't drink, I don't go clubbing, nor any of that crap. So I don't know where someone like me gets to know people. And yesterday I went out with him. And today we met. And spend... some together time. Confused... no strings attached, but I'm never gonna get over him this way. 

But now I'm not sure I want to.

Beggars can't be Choosers.

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