"Caffeine in my Veins, Coals from your Mouth."

ISIS - "The Minus times"

Mood: Confused, worried.
Listening to: ISIS
Reading: "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson.
Watching: I need to finish the last 30 min of "Case 39"
Playing: Haven't played anything for quite a while now. Nor VGs, nor table-tops.... not even solitary.
Eating:  Not much. On a diet.
Drinking: Orange Blossom Tea.

Whatever happens to us, whatever life we are leading, is the result of changes. And changes are the result of choices. I think I remember reading somewhere that the curse and the bless of Human Beings was our ability to make Choices.

It's been a while since I've kept a blog. The last one... well, that. Let's say that I'm moving on onto a different stage of my troubled life. So I needed somewhere else to rant, since my written journal is kind of for my eyes only. This one gets to be lighter.

So, to sum it up: I'm a 25 year-old, over-weight, librarian. Recently employed by a great man, in a job designated specifically for me, which makes me feel unsure of doing things right.

I was diagnosed on march of 2007 with Multiple Sclerosis, and about two weeks ago, got a new MRI done. I was hoping I'd get the 10% chance of not being sick my neurologist gave me, but the truth is with this new MR, we -family and I- got to know it is MS, it's progressing, and there is not cure yet. I got really scared. Sunny side up? The lessions are smaller, so, as long as I stick to my meds, I'm probably gonna be fine. But this is like playing Russian roulette. I'm scared, 'cause I've been lucky so far, but luck tends to run out. The lessions are in not troublesome brain areas. But, as I said, I truly hope it's not a matter of time.

I'm scared about future. I had lots of plans, but after this couple years I've learnt to stop making plans, and living today. And it's really freaking hard, 'cause I'm not used to it.

I was in a long relationship. About 7 and a half years. We broke up almost two months ago. I think about him a lot. I was sure he was the one. Obviously there was a point where I wasn't so sure anymore.

My mom was specially pleased when we broke up. She totally hates his guts.

Thing is we broke in a "fu*k u-hate u" mood, and we didn't talk to each other, till a couple days ago. We got together for coffee, and... dunno. I'm not a social person. I mainly keep to myself, and whatever friends I have are just a few. And these days we don't get to see each other. It's this age, where most of them are married, or have kids, or are just swamped with their own jobs and lifes, and I can't go on depending on anyone. 

I got even more antisocial with the diagnosis, I cut away a huge chunk of my life, 'cause I was in too deep my own pain. But these days I've been noticing I am way too lonely. I'm confused, 'cause I've lived most of my life believing I don't need anyone, and suddenly it's weekend, and my only choices are to stay in, watching tv, surfing the web, reading a book...or just staring at my parents.

Is there a magical way to go and meet people? And the worse part is I don't drink, I don't go clubbing, nor any of that crap. So I don't know where someone like me gets to know people. And yesterday I went out with him. And today we met. And spend... some together time. Confused... no strings attached, but I'm never gonna get over him this way. 

But now I'm not sure I want to.

Beggars can't be Choosers.