"And have I ever told you how much you mean to me?"

FLYLEAF - "Broken Wings"

Mood: Content, and tired.
Listening to: Random playlist. But a lot of Muse lately.
Reading: "Hart's War" by John Katzenbach. Haven't progressed much.

Watching: Nothing, but went to the movies earlier, and watched "Robin Hood" with a bunch of friends.
Playing: Urgh... does "Farmville", "Happy Aquarium" and "MouseHunt" on FaceBook count?
Eating:  Nothing right now.
Drinking: Nothing right now. About to go get a glass of water.

These weeks have been hell. I was doing poorly. And then A came around. He said he wanted to be there for me, to be my support. But I just got too scared. I'm scared he's gonna eventually leave. The other thing is he said just like... friends. And he has a gf now. And... well... we got intimate, and I was feeling used. We went out two times. And we chatted a lot on the messenger, but... I couldn't get him out of my head.

I even got to the extent of telling him I was gonna get rid of his gf. That if he wasn't gonna be with me for good, then no one will. Gosh... I had forgotten what kind of psycho girlfriend I am. YES, I am possessive, and dependant. And now that I am feeling bad, this was just too much.

So this last weekend I told him on the msn I...didn't want to see him again. Just in an emergency, and to cut comunication to the most essential. He became really mad. And I had been putting song quotes in my nickname and stuff, a lot of Muse break-up songs, and one of them was "Uno" which says:

This means nothing to me
'Cause you are nothing to me
And it means nothing to me
That you blew this away

'Cause you could have been number one
If you only found the time
And you could have ruled the whole world
If you had the chance

You could have been number one
And you could have ruled the whole world
And we could have had so much fun
But you blew it away

You're still nothing to me
And this is nothing to me
And you don't know what you've done
But I'll give you a clue

You could have been number one
If you only had the chance
And you could have ruled the whole world
If you had the time

You could have been number one
And you could have ruled the whole world
And we could have had so much fun
But you blew it away

You could have been number one
And you could have ruled the whole world
And we could have had so much fun
But you blew it away

And I had the "you could have been number one if you only found the time" and he put "I had time for a whole fucking year". He even scolded me for this. He said I had to stop the "if you had the time" thing. And told me I had to acknowledge the reason we broke up was I couldn't stop flirting with another man. Well, he said other men, but it was only one. And... I don't know. This makes me feel as if I was a whore. I cheated on him. And yeah, that's like a scar I'm always gonna bear. Not just for him . But for me, 'cause I broke my own rules, and now I'm in this crisis where I've become aware... I have no rules at all. No moral code. I just feel so lost. 

A lot of things make me mad, or provoke my anger, or my indignation. But why? I'm an immoral person, so I have no ground to stand while making this judgements.

I just had to write a bit. I've noticed this last three years, I've written less and less. When I was younger I would write a lot. About everything. Fiction, letters, a journal. And I wasn't so lost then. I think in some way writing was like a valve which would let all my frustration and upsetting feelings out. Now... I think I'm scared this would put me face to face with all this questions, and there aren't answers now. I just... have broken most of my rules. And I don't care about the future so much as I did before. Maybe because I'm not even sure I'd make it there.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Hace un rato fui al cine con mi amigo Hinoki, y un grupo de sus amigos. Durante la semana otro amigo me invitó a un Tributo a Muse en un bar, e invité a otro amigo -al que ya no estoy tan segura de llamar por ese nombre- y luego resultó que no era este viernes sino el siguiente, así que dijo "no importa, vamos al bar de todos modos, para que salgas, conozcas otros ambientes, conozcas más gente".

Fue un fracaso rotundo. Al principio estaba super nerviosa, tenía 5 años sin salir a ningún lado, y pues... he subido mucho de peso, y me siento muy insegura respecto a mi auto-imagen, entonces no quería ir. Lo pensé mucho, decidí ir y... pues el lugar... el ambiente no estaba muy bueno que digamos, y este chico invitó a dos amigos suyos... a quienes ya conocía desde hace tiempo de otro lado (así que nada de conocer gente nueva) y que no quisieron beber nada, y se la pasaron prácticamente mirando el reloj todo el tiempo. E invitamos a otra chica que es mi prima... y con la cual mi "amigo" está encaprichado. Entonces... cuando ella llegó con su marido, mi "amigo" se puso muuuy incómodo. Y de repente dio alguna excusa bastante sstúpida -digo, si tenía cinco años sin salir, pero no soy idiota- y que tenía que acompañar a sus amigos a la puerta.

Y se fue.

Él fue el que estuvo insistiendo en que saliéramos y se fue!!

Lo bueno fue que mi prima estaba ahí, y me dio aventón, y me ha estado preguntando casi cada dia desde ese viernes fatídico cómo me encuentro. Jajaja, lo más absurdo es que me preguntó si me sentía mal porque tenía "sentimientos" por este cretino.
"No, para nada. Hace un par de meses me hizo propuestas indecorosas, pero fuera de eso, nada."

Sé que se fue por lo de mi prima. Pero que poca madre de tipo la neta.

El sábado hubo una marcha que se llevó simultáneamente -bueno, no al mismo tiempo, pero si el mismo día- en 41 estados de la república, para exigir una Ley de Protección Animal más justa y que si se aplique. Aquí pueden ver las fotos de la que se realizó en SLP.

No sé, tenía un rato que me había desligado del "activismo" por los Derechos Animales, porque es bastante desgastante, y ves cosas tan terribles que... te duele el corazón. Fui porque Hinoki me comentó que una compañera del trabajo lo invitó a ir, y pues ahí fui yo también.

Saliendo, a las Tikix por unas miches, con Diana, Espiri y Hinoki. Se nos unieron otros dos amigos, ex-compañeros de la escuela de ellos. En ese rato medio me puse a platicar con Hinoki todo lo de Alfa, y me sentí bastante mal. Sentía que me iba a echar a llorar ahí en cualquier momento, por lo que opté por lo sensato, y me despedí de todos, y me fui a mi casa.

El lunes estuvo... molesto. Fui al IMSS en la tarde a recoger mi medicamento, a la Clínica 50, y primera a la enfermera se le olvidó pasar mi expediente y el Dr se fue sin hacerme mi receta. La enfermera fue a corretearlo. La otra jalada es que deben darme 15 ampolletas, y sólo me dieron 4. Que me dejaban pendientes 11. Porque o te las dan todas, o no te deben de dar nada. Una vez el año pasado me hicieron esa, y me la hicieron taaanto de jamón por 4 pinches ampolletas, que mejor ahí lo dejé.Esta vez me aseguraron que si iba en la tarde me daban mis ámpulas restantes. Espero que si, porque serían DEMASIADAS pendientes, y dudo mucho que el Dr me haga otra receta, sería quedarme sin medicina como 22 días... y dado el último susto, no puedo darme ese lujo.

Eso si, el sábado quedó abierta la invitación para el cine este martes, vimos Robin Hood, que estuvo buenera, bien podría llamarse "Robin Hood: Origins" o "Robin Hood 0" o algo así , jajaja.

Y queda pendiente lo del tributo a Muse este viernes, ahora si... pero algo estoy sospechando que no se va a hacer...

En fin. Me parece que Hinoki está intentando hacerme sentir mejor.
Aunque vaga y torpemente, pero bueno, así ha sido nuestra relación desde hace... 11 años este agosto. Whoa. Felicitaciones para él. Salvo por mi padre -y mi padre sólo por convivencia- es el único hombre que me ha soportado tanto tiempo.

El otro hubiera sido Alfa... este pasado 19 de mayo hubiésemos cumplido 8 años juntos. Ja. Destino cruel. Ese era precisamente el año que necesitábamos superar.

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"Your future says 'Run!', but you can't even walk."

TONIC - "Future says run"

Mood: Content, and tired.
Listening to: Tonic and The Airborne Toxic Event. Lots of Broken-hearted sons, god knows why, right?
Reading: "Hart's War" by John Katzenbach. And scary stuff at this blog: http://sayainunderworld.blogspot.com/

Watching: Last nice thing? Mmh... Last movie was "Almost Alice" with Hinoki, last april the 18th. Didn't suck as much as expected.
Playing: Haven't played anything for quite a while now. Nor VGs, nor table-tops.... not even solitary.
Eating:  Nothing right now..
Drinking: Plain water, it's really hot, and do need to get a lot of meds out of my system.

Well, don't know if this counts as a big mistake but I saw him yesterday.

-Hey, -I said, jokingly- If I turn 30 and I'm still not married then, will you marry me?
He looked at me smiling, but somehow the smile didn't reach his eyes.
- You've done a lot of bad stuff to me. You have scarred me for life. I'm not sure... why don't you ask me again when you're thirty, and let's see if I haven't gotten married.


He's got himself a girlfriend. An underage girl. Don't know if this worries me or just strikes me as funny. I was thinking, the last "romantic interest" of mine is a guy who lives in Manchester, England, and is 38 years old. I was thinking today it is quite funny he's dating a girl who's 14 years younger than him, and I'd like to date a guy who's 12 years older than myself. I believe this says a lot about our respective needs...

On another subject, I am doing way better. I'd say I'm at about 70% of my normal state, which is great. I still get a bit dizzy, but I could ride the bus yesterday without much trouble. I just can't still cross the streets.

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"He was Patient. Slow descent, chills the bones."

ISIS - "Holy Tears"

Mood: Strangely stressed, but assured.
Listening to: Random winamp playlist. Just got "Amores Perros" soundtrack.
Reading: "Hart's War" by John Katzenbach... well, I should have started it a week ago, just haven't felt like it. Even though Bruce Willis is on the cover XD

Watching: Last nice thing? Mmh... Last movie was "Almost Alice" with Hinoki, last april the 18th. Didn't suck as much as expected.
Playing: Haven't played anything for quite a while now. Nor VGs, nor table-tops.... not even solitary.
Eating:  A lot! Just had Carlota and frappè for supper.
Drinking: Plain water, it's really hot, and do need to get a lot of meds out of my system.

I'm a bit scared. I'm not exactly sure how... well, I do know I went to my school two weeks ago to get the most cute polo shirts with "LB Samantha Balderas" sewn on the chest, and to deliver some picture they needed for my Titulation papers... and then Teacher Malena asked how was I doing... and I said everything sucked (for the record... the first days of april ALFA broke up with me AGAIN, 'cause he doesn't like the way I talk to him, and at the beginning of february I got another TAC done that showed my illness is progressing, and after 9 months I'm still unemployed...) she said on UASLP Library System they were hiring, and I should go to CICTD on Zona Universitaria Poniente ASAP, 'cause that was the LAST day to get CVs delivered, and then Teacher Nora Elsa - Miss Pantene printed a CV for me, and I went, and I turned it in... 

I wasn't really expecting anything to happen. I've delivered like a dozen CVs, I should print them as flyers or something. And José Juan at CICTD told me the applicants had turned the job offer at the last moment. Still didn't cross my mind.

And last tuesday... fuck... the Vertigo striked again. I had been 3 years in treatment. That morning I got up to go with mom to the hospital, she had lab tests for the Medical Social Security thing, IMSS, and I wanted to get a smear test, it had been 5 years since the last one. And I had gone on october, and they asked me

"Are you a mom?" "No, I'm not"
"Are you sexually active?"..."Hell... yeah."
"How old are you?"..."I'm 25 in ten days"
"But you're not 25 years yet?" "Nop, told you, I'll be in ten days."
"Sorry, you have to wait till you are 25 years old"..."WTF, it's not the first smear test I get done!"

"Hospital Policies."

So off I go, Mom got her labs done, I had to wait like an hour, and no one was busy, it was around 7:30 am, and till we just got into the Family Med department they cared.
The smear test was one of the most shameful things I've experienced. At first there were two nurses, male and female, but suddenly these two really stupid female nurses came inside, and for some reason one of them insisted on showing everyone pictures of her son dressed up as Batman...

Even the nurse that had that awful thing inside me, and even though i was laying on the table, half naked... for godsakes.

We went for Gorditas to Morales, and we got home. Mom took a nap, I was playing with one of the kitties, and suddenly, as i was laying down on the bed, everything started spinning REAL hard. I put one of my hands infront of my face to focus on one point, and slowly it stopped. But I haven't been feeling fine since then.

That day I napped the rest of the day.

On wednesday, after having a neighbour shot me 200 mg of Vitamin B, I stayed at home, and at around 7 pm my father took me to mom's work to go all of us together to the ER.
I called my Neurologist before hand. He didn't showed up.
It was "brief". 2 hours waiting for the Triage. Then another hour for a neurologic test. They gave a shot of Difenidol, and a receipt for Stugeron Forte. And that was it.

The next day, the same. I think i was worst. Everytime i try to change sides on the bed, or to lay down or get up, everything starts spinning hard again, and it takes a while to stop. Feels like someone's shaking my head. I got back to sleep.

That evening my dad took me to the IMSS Hospital where all the specialized physicians work, and that's an hour away from home on bus -and where I've to go every month to pick up my meds- to search for my neurologist, who refused to check me up, he said I had an appointment til june, and he'll see me til then.

Mom's worked around physicians for over 25 years, so she knows another physicians. We went to another hospital to see if the neurologist could check me up, although it's a private hospital, but he wasn't around, so he gave us an appointment the next day.

So dad left me at mom's work again, and Hinoki came to pick me up and we went for frappe coffee. I was really hurt 'cause all my dad said was how upset he felt at having lost two work days on the computer for driving me around...

Next morning Dr Geronimo Rodriguez checked me up, and he gave me steroids and dramamine. I got another 200 mg of Vitamin B, 100 on each buttcheek, and when I was all fucked up... Josè Juan called me to ask if i could go to a job interview. How fucked up is that? I said I had a dr appointment, half the truth, and he said he'll call again on monday.

The weekend went by, the highlights were a really savage gangster fight late on saturday night to sunday morning, shattering glass, and all that stuff, mom had to take the car away, 'cause as far as the year has gone by, we've had 3 car glasses broken by those guys. The other thing was on sunday, I started to suspect I had some slight difficult dealing with really basic math. I mean, math's never being my strong suit, but i realized I couldn't even count the change I was about to receive.

This week I've been having insomnia issues, no improvement at all, and the weather is all hot, which makes me fell like hell. At night i feel all swollen up because of the steroids, and when I told mom i had math issues too, she got depressed. My parents have officially blocked me. I need to learn of some free institution that allows special needs patients to ingress and stay there. 

The worst of all is... the thing I have always loved the most, and the thing I've felt most proud is being independant. Being able to take care of myself. And this stupid sickness is taking that away from me. This is not the first time I've tought suicide. Things couldn't look worse...

On monday night i couldn't sleep, so on tuesday i couldn't got up. My father came and check me til 17 hours, to see if I was still alive...  I'm getting one of those brooding periods again, but mom forced me to got up today, and come with her to her work. At least, she says, i could use her boss' pc, and be around, instead of just sleeping.

On monday also, i got my laptop repaired at last! It only took me... like half a year. And 1,600 pesos. Since I'm kinda unemployed, my mom's boss' pays me to run some small errands 1,500 pesos every other week, and keeps paying my social med service payments. Otherwise I'd be ALL ON MY OWN with my meds expenses, which are about 30k pesos each month. Silly thing is... about a year ago they changed my meds for the "cheaper" version, which I suspect caused me this relapse. Who can I blame? Where can I get help for this?

So this evening José Juan called again, he asked me to go for another interview, I was all scared. I'm gonna lie. I'm gonna say I just have ear related vertigo... This may be my only shot..

Phew... had to let it all go...
G'night.

The nice thing is Hinoki's being around a lot, or trying to, and he's avoiding me to sink further. .

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