"He was Patient. Slow descent, chills the bones."

ISIS - "Holy Tears"

Mood: Strangely stressed, but assured.
Listening to: Random winamp playlist. Just got "Amores Perros" soundtrack.
Reading: "Hart's War" by John Katzenbach... well, I should have started it a week ago, just haven't felt like it. Even though Bruce Willis is on the cover XD

Watching: Last nice thing? Mmh... Last movie was "Almost Alice" with Hinoki, last april the 18th. Didn't suck as much as expected.
Playing: Haven't played anything for quite a while now. Nor VGs, nor table-tops.... not even solitary.
Eating:  A lot! Just had Carlota and frappè for supper.
Drinking: Plain water, it's really hot, and do need to get a lot of meds out of my system.

I'm a bit scared. I'm not exactly sure how... well, I do know I went to my school two weeks ago to get the most cute polo shirts with "LB Samantha Balderas" sewn on the chest, and to deliver some picture they needed for my Titulation papers... and then Teacher Malena asked how was I doing... and I said everything sucked (for the record... the first days of april ALFA broke up with me AGAIN, 'cause he doesn't like the way I talk to him, and at the beginning of february I got another TAC done that showed my illness is progressing, and after 9 months I'm still unemployed...) she said on UASLP Library System they were hiring, and I should go to CICTD on Zona Universitaria Poniente ASAP, 'cause that was the LAST day to get CVs delivered, and then Teacher Nora Elsa - Miss Pantene printed a CV for me, and I went, and I turned it in... 

I wasn't really expecting anything to happen. I've delivered like a dozen CVs, I should print them as flyers or something. And José Juan at CICTD told me the applicants had turned the job offer at the last moment. Still didn't cross my mind.

And last tuesday... fuck... the Vertigo striked again. I had been 3 years in treatment. That morning I got up to go with mom to the hospital, she had lab tests for the Medical Social Security thing, IMSS, and I wanted to get a smear test, it had been 5 years since the last one. And I had gone on october, and they asked me

"Are you a mom?" "No, I'm not"
"Are you sexually active?"..."Hell... yeah."
"How old are you?"..."I'm 25 in ten days"
"But you're not 25 years yet?" "Nop, told you, I'll be in ten days."
"Sorry, you have to wait till you are 25 years old"..."WTF, it's not the first smear test I get done!"

"Hospital Policies."

So off I go, Mom got her labs done, I had to wait like an hour, and no one was busy, it was around 7:30 am, and till we just got into the Family Med department they cared.
The smear test was one of the most shameful things I've experienced. At first there were two nurses, male and female, but suddenly these two really stupid female nurses came inside, and for some reason one of them insisted on showing everyone pictures of her son dressed up as Batman...

Even the nurse that had that awful thing inside me, and even though i was laying on the table, half naked... for godsakes.

We went for Gorditas to Morales, and we got home. Mom took a nap, I was playing with one of the kitties, and suddenly, as i was laying down on the bed, everything started spinning REAL hard. I put one of my hands infront of my face to focus on one point, and slowly it stopped. But I haven't been feeling fine since then.

That day I napped the rest of the day.

On wednesday, after having a neighbour shot me 200 mg of Vitamin B, I stayed at home, and at around 7 pm my father took me to mom's work to go all of us together to the ER.
I called my Neurologist before hand. He didn't showed up.
It was "brief". 2 hours waiting for the Triage. Then another hour for a neurologic test. They gave a shot of Difenidol, and a receipt for Stugeron Forte. And that was it.

The next day, the same. I think i was worst. Everytime i try to change sides on the bed, or to lay down or get up, everything starts spinning hard again, and it takes a while to stop. Feels like someone's shaking my head. I got back to sleep.

That evening my dad took me to the IMSS Hospital where all the specialized physicians work, and that's an hour away from home on bus -and where I've to go every month to pick up my meds- to search for my neurologist, who refused to check me up, he said I had an appointment til june, and he'll see me til then.

Mom's worked around physicians for over 25 years, so she knows another physicians. We went to another hospital to see if the neurologist could check me up, although it's a private hospital, but he wasn't around, so he gave us an appointment the next day.

So dad left me at mom's work again, and Hinoki came to pick me up and we went for frappe coffee. I was really hurt 'cause all my dad said was how upset he felt at having lost two work days on the computer for driving me around...

Next morning Dr Geronimo Rodriguez checked me up, and he gave me steroids and dramamine. I got another 200 mg of Vitamin B, 100 on each buttcheek, and when I was all fucked up... Josè Juan called me to ask if i could go to a job interview. How fucked up is that? I said I had a dr appointment, half the truth, and he said he'll call again on monday.

The weekend went by, the highlights were a really savage gangster fight late on saturday night to sunday morning, shattering glass, and all that stuff, mom had to take the car away, 'cause as far as the year has gone by, we've had 3 car glasses broken by those guys. The other thing was on sunday, I started to suspect I had some slight difficult dealing with really basic math. I mean, math's never being my strong suit, but i realized I couldn't even count the change I was about to receive.

This week I've been having insomnia issues, no improvement at all, and the weather is all hot, which makes me fell like hell. At night i feel all swollen up because of the steroids, and when I told mom i had math issues too, she got depressed. My parents have officially blocked me. I need to learn of some free institution that allows special needs patients to ingress and stay there. 

The worst of all is... the thing I have always loved the most, and the thing I've felt most proud is being independant. Being able to take care of myself. And this stupid sickness is taking that away from me. This is not the first time I've tought suicide. Things couldn't look worse...

On monday night i couldn't sleep, so on tuesday i couldn't got up. My father came and check me til 17 hours, to see if I was still alive...  I'm getting one of those brooding periods again, but mom forced me to got up today, and come with her to her work. At least, she says, i could use her boss' pc, and be around, instead of just sleeping.

On monday also, i got my laptop repaired at last! It only took me... like half a year. And 1,600 pesos. Since I'm kinda unemployed, my mom's boss' pays me to run some small errands 1,500 pesos every other week, and keeps paying my social med service payments. Otherwise I'd be ALL ON MY OWN with my meds expenses, which are about 30k pesos each month. Silly thing is... about a year ago they changed my meds for the "cheaper" version, which I suspect caused me this relapse. Who can I blame? Where can I get help for this?

So this evening José Juan called again, he asked me to go for another interview, I was all scared. I'm gonna lie. I'm gonna say I just have ear related vertigo... This may be my only shot..

Phew... had to let it all go...
G'night.

The nice thing is Hinoki's being around a lot, or trying to, and he's avoiding me to sink further. .